Vanessa Harper

INTERVIEW BIO WITH Vanessa Tercero

Why might people need boundaries with family members, and why is that hard?

With my Marriage and Family Therapy background, I once heard in school an analogy about a balance ledger, and it stuck with me. The basic idea is that in a family system, we are born with a base expectation that we will receive what we are owed: caregivers who are supportive, invested, and capable of meeting and exceeding our needs. That includes being fed, safe, sheltered, and also feeling cared for and emotionally supported. But that is not the case for everyone.

Ideally, we enter life with a balanced ledger. But when that is not the case, how do we balance our own? Boundaries are one way we show up for ourselves and address debt that cannot be sent to collections. How do we get that debt repaid when the people responsible for it cannot, or will not, repay? We cannot go through life with an unbalanced ledger.

Boundaries become a way to pay back what we are owed on our own terms. They are a form of self-empowerment and a way to validate our own experiences and identities. We pay what we were due, even if it did not come from the original source. Boundaries allow us to reclaim agency, to write off what others could not give, and to choose what we are or are not willing to carry anymore.

What would having an LMFT in your life at a younger stage have offered your family or yourself?

I think a lot could have been different for my family if we had support from a relational therapy lens. Working with an LMFT could have had a huge impact. The first word that comes to mind is responsibility.

Having someone there to help us understand where responsibilities began and ended, both individually and as a family, could have been life changing. These roles shift throughout different stages of life. Both of my parents struggled with the transition into their parental roles. They abruptly moved from being children in their own family systems to being at the top of a new hierarchy as parents building a family.

That transition is not just about physical or financial responsibility. It is about emotional responsibility. Who manages emotional turmoil? Who teaches emotional regulation?

As young parents, they did not have the tools to model emotional responsibility for themselves, let alone teach it to their kids. A therapist could have helped reassign misassigned or unassigned responsibilities, things that slipped through the cracks. Emotions that were not recognized or healed. Experiences that were never spoken about or acknowledged. Those gaps often become the foundation of a broken family system. Relational therapy is about catching what slips through and understanding what happens if it is never addressed.

What relational dynamics are you most passionate about working with

When I sit and think about it, so many types of cases come to mind. I do not always pull one clear thread of similarity. I do enjoy working with high conflict systems. For me, that includes ineffective or harmful communication styles, contempt, resentment, betrayal, poor emotional regulation, and assumptions. I think about communication that leads to deeper rupture.

I find comfort in those spaces. I enjoy getting to know people and taking time to build trust. I value that. I have also had to work through my own relationship with politeness, learning when it helps and when it gets in the way of honest connection. Working through that has helped me grow as a therapist and feel more grounded in doing relational work that is respectful, direct, and paced with the client.

What should a couple or family come in ready to share?

They should be ready to share the thing they do not think is relevant. The thing they want to coat check at the door is often the very thing keeping them stuck in the cycles that continue to repeat.

Couples and families sometimes come in wanting to spot train one area. We cannot isolate one part of the repair. Once we start peeling back the layers, it becomes clear that it is all connected. Be ready to share it all. Bring the full luggage set.

How does culture come into marriage and family therapy?

Culture is a huge part of how I identify and how I make sense of the world. It shapes how I show up as a therapist and how clients show up in the room. For many Black and brown communities, there is still stigma around therapy. That impacts how people approach the work with me and how I approach the work with them. Culture is present on both ends.

Cultural awareness becomes a tool in the work. Sometimes that means resisting expectations placed on us. Sometimes it means leaning in intentionally. Even when clients and I do not share the same specific cultural background, there is often an unspoken understanding of what it means to be othered or to move through systems shaped by power and privilege. That shared awareness allows space to examine both limitation and access, responsibility and choice.

Is a marriage and family therapist responsible for couples staying together?

No. I do not take responsibility for whether a relationship works out. I tell my clients clearly that I am not the expert in the room. They are. Clients sometimes push back on that, but we are here to reach the goals they set.

I love Virginia Satir’s idea that the therapist holds the structure while the client holds the initiative. You bring in the work you want to do, and I help create the container. What you choose to do with it is yours.

What is your universal piece of advice?

Treat yourself as well as you treat others. Many of us are far more critical and unforgiving with ourselves than we would ever be with someone else. If we can start with our relationship to ourselves, it changes the impact we have on the communities we keep.